Proud to Be a Grinch [humour alert]

It was my first meeting of “GA”. This is not AA (Alchoholics Anonymous). It is not even AAA (American Automobile Association). It is GA…Grinches Anonymous. This is roughly how the meeting went.

“Please stand up and introduce yourself,” I was urged by the wall-of-brick bouncer blocking the doorway.

“Uh, OK…” I paused to remember how I had seen them say this on TV at AA meetings. “My name is The Happy Guy, and I am a Grinch.”

The room fell silent. People looked at one another uncertain how to react. Finally, a little old lady spoke up, “Isn’t that somewhat of a conflict of interest, sonny?”

It’s true. The Grinch is not generally seen as the most jovial of fellows. And I am called The Happy Guy. Even my website says that: www.TheHappyGuy.com. But I had to face the unhappy truth. I am a Grinch.

Oh sure, I don’t have lots of cute furry, green skin like famous Grinches can afford. And I can’t seem to twist my face into that famous diabolical grin, no matter how hard I try. Not even when I use a plunger, a blow torch and a porcupine – but that’s another story.

“Tell us, please, what makes you a Grinch,” the moderator suggested.

“I just seem to spoil everybody’s Christmas. They ask me what I want for Christmas…and…and…and I draw a blank. I can’t think of anything.”

The room fell silent. Again. People looked at one another uncertain how to react. Again. Finally, Little Old Lady spoke up (again), “You mean I can have your Christmas presents, sonny?”

I know it is probably hard to believe, but when somebody asks me what I want for Christmas, I just can’t think of anything. It’s like asking me to list the international hopscotch tournaments won by the American Samoa team.

At the moment I am being asked, I just don’t want anything. I always seem to have enough. In fact, I always seem to have more than I need. I have over a hundred music CDs, but when was the last time I played most of them. I’ve given away more books than I’ve read, and I’ve read more than I have.

We have a special machine just to make waffles. And one just to make popcorn. Both of them make prize-winning dust bunnies. And we have a machine just to make bread, which we at least use to make pizza dough. We have glasses and bowls that I would never recognize and some clothes in which I would not want to be recognized.

“Why does that make you a Grinch?” the moderator asked.

“I make it difficult for them to give. What I really want is less, not more. What I really need is for somebody to come and take things away.”

The room fell silent. Again. People looked at one another uncertain how to react. Again. Finally, Little Old Lady passed me a notepad, “Mind jotting down your address for me, sonny?”

What would a Grinch want for Christmas?

My wife suggested socks. Got’m.

Shirts? Got’m.

Nail clippers? Got’m.

Pyjamas? Got’m.

Pens? Got’m.

Bookmarks? Gloves? Paper? Flashlights?

Got’m. Got’m. Got’m. Got’m.

Batteries? There’s an idea. Put me down for batteries. You never know when I might get hungry.

Cologne? Here are the bottles from the last two years. One of them is open. No, wait…that’s just a scratch on the lid.

Isn’t there anything I want?

“Why not ask if they have any ideas you could consider?” the moderator suggested.

“You mean, like hiring them as a consultant on how to give things to me?” I asked.

The room fell silent. Again. People looked at one another uncertain how to react. Again. Finally, Little Old Lady spoke, “Just refer them to me. I want lots of things.”

VIEW THIS VIDEO: I’ve got enough

Why would anybody want more stuff to clean, more stuff to break, more stuff to fix, more stuff to store, more stuff to keep track of, more stuff to trip over? I don’t even know where to put last week’s dirty dishes.

If people keep buying gifts when you already are storing more things than you could ever use, sooner or later your house is bound to explode, the way a balloon bursts when you over-fill it. I wondered if my insurance covered that.

“Couldn’t you humor them? Just a little bit?” the moderator asked.

“Actually, I know one thing I want…a chalet in Switzerland and a map of the best hiking trails in the vicinity.”

The room fell silent. Again. People looked at one another uncertain how to react. Again. Finally, Little Old Lady jumped up and declared, “My bags are packed. When do we leave, sonny?”

I don’t think I’ll ask for a GA membership renewal in my stocking this year. But that is probably what I’ll get.

Funny Stories of Humor and Satire

Welcome to my Humor and Satire Collection: articles that are supposed to be funny.Your challenge is to find one that really makes you laugh, then forward it to a friend to share the laughter.

Here they are, my humorous stories in no particular order (which is also kind of funny, don’t you think?)

The Art of Kissing
Kissing is the world’s favorite participation sport. Find out why.

Hotel Jokes Haunt My Nightmares
I used to lie awake in a lot of hotel rooms. Now I still lie awake remembering them.

Help with statistics
So many statistics. So many truths. Which ones are just stories?

Butterfly Crossing

An adventure in facial hair
See what happens when I grow a funny beard.

Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 1)
The time has come to automate the public nuisance. And not a moment too soon!

Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 2)
How about some wacky inventions to rid the world of the public nuisance?

It’s a Sick Household
We do things as a family. That’s why we all get sick at once.

Vitamin Supplements in a Liquid World
It’s a worldwide liquidation, from soap to vitamins.

I am a Grinch
Funny how, by NOT wanting a present, I am a Grinch. That’s what I call humor.

What?!? No Bananas?
Find out how bananas and traffic both cast a glimpse of how expectations affect our happiness.

Hippo Rage (controlling rage)
Give up all hope of anger management when face to face with “hippo rage”.

That’s the Christmas Spirit
Is there a wrong way to keep the Christmas spirit all year long?

Clowns

A Bad Hairdresser Day
Why are hairdressers never held accountable for baldness growing in their care?

How NOT to Stop Bad Breathby David Leonhardt
There is a right way and a wrong way to stop bad breath. Guess which is funnier.

Flea Market-ing Lessons
Just what did The Happy Guy learn selling his books at the flea market?

My Career as a Hermit
Writers, stay-at-home parents and online marketing geeks – stories of a hermit.

The Pajamas Fashion Primer
If you work from home, you’ll need this fashion primer.

Work-from-home Office Policies
Why should “office workers” have all the fun? This is your policy manual for the home office.

Aging Gracefully (You’re How Old?!?)
Discover the shocking truth about aging gracefully, now and in the past.

Tiger and the Three Pigs (improving self-esteem)
A modern-day fairy tale about improving self-esteem, self-image and self-actualization.

Country Living Explained
City folk just don’t ‘get’ the country. Funny, this story won’t help one bit.

Hurry Up and procrastinate
Three cheers for the last minute … may it rest in peace.

Bigfoot CrossingGrassophobia
We can learn about overcoming our own fears by watching children overcome theirs.

Give generously and sleep better
Givers sleep better at night, right? Or do they?

Sharing The Happy Jar
A little extra effort can make a big difference. Make it personal.

Cleaned Up or Cleaned Out?
Wrestle with the anguishing question of when to give and when to protect yourself.

When Mother Comes to Visit
Just when Mom comes to visit, the house looks like a hurricane wandered through.

By Now, I’m a Expert at Memory Loss
Memory loss is common as we age, but The Happy Guy has discovered a surprising cause.

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward (our child-birth story)
Where has all the humor in childbirth gone? This is a funny story…honest!

How to tell if you are a literary snob
A humorous look at titles, status and self-actualization stories.

Mr. Cheapie’s Frugal Dining Tips
Learn how to save big money eating out at restaurants.

Mr. Cheapie’s Frugal Shopping Tips
Learn how to save big money while shopping.

Investing as a Sport
A humorous look at what the bears and bulls do to reduce our daily joy.

Foolproof Customer Service Strategies
A humorous story about customer service strategies that can’t possibly work.

Home of the Year
Discover what it takes to have the Home of the Year.

Unique Gift Ideas for the 21st Century
Before buying anybody a facelift for their birthday, read this!

The Surprising Value of Vultures
Humor: Even vultures have value.

My Book Contains “No Artificial Growth Hormones”
Satire: The Happy Guy wants to copy a biotech giant to hit it big.

Plastic Recycling Confusionby David Leonhardt
Why is it so hard to simply pollute a little less?

Happiness is … recycling dirty diapers
There’s more than one way to be happy in harmony with the environment.

Funny clowns in carSilver Linings Are Everywhere
A satirical look at the true story of how Viagra is helping the environment.

Extreme Fatigue Perpetuitis
Half humor, half deadly serious: learn about extreme fatigue.

The Official Pumpkin Cheesecake Recipe for Parenting
Having trouble following a recipe while parenting? This recipe is tailor-made for you.

Top Ten Tools for Writing Humor
Want to write a humor column? Here are ten tips from a humor columnist.

Squish, Climb, Splash: A Family Adventure Vacation
Humorous stories from vacationland.

Tearing Down The House
Learn the importance of time management through this home improvement project.

The Secret Weapon to Beat SARS
Find out how reducing stress can help you defeat disease and illness.

Leadership Secrets from Foreign Penguins
Want self-actualization success? Learn how six penguins achieved their goals using team leadership.

Beware radical mint enthusiasts
Jelly Beans and Toothpaste battle it out for flavor superiority.

No Happiness Without Patience
Instant gratification is out. Patience is in…and so are cavemen, in this humorous lesson.

Thank you for visiting The Happy Guy’s Humor and Satire Collection. We love to share our joy with others.