Well, it’s not. This is about how I, David Leonhardt, am a good luck charm, and how a recent experiment involving the entire population of Canada scientifically proves it.
The experiment was called the “Federal Election”. Of the five parties in contention, three are in rapture this morning and two have been decimated due to one simple trait that the three winning’ party leaders share and the two losing party leaders do not.
Did they all brush their teeth yesterday morning? No, that’s not it.
Do they all have tattoos on their left ear lobes. That’s not it either.
Are they all three Capricorns. Nope.
I know all three. Personally. Sort of.
Congratulations to Steven Harper, he is now a full Prime Minister. The people of Canada have elevated him to majority status…and all because he and I used to work on either side of the same wall. Yes, I could tap messages in Morse Code on the wall to communicate with him. I could…but I didn’t. We did chat in the hallway. We did do lunch sometimes. We did meet later on when he was the Reform Party and I was a CAA lobbyist.
And seeing this, the people of Canada have given him a majority in the House of Commons. (No, he was never a “warm” person, but he was always friendly, intelligent and idealistic.)
Congratulations to Jack Layton, the new Leader of the Opposition. The previous record for NDP seats was 43; the people of Canada chose to give the NDP a stunning boost to over 100 seats yesterday. Not only that, but the party had never held a seat in Quebec until four years ago; today they command 59 seats of the province’s 75 seats. Wow!
How did Jack Layton accomplish this historic feat? By knowing me, of course. Oh, he might not remember me, but I was the guy he nearly ran down with his bicycle when I made a false start at crossing the street without looking carefully and kept his nose stuck up in the air with that this-is-my-space-you-doofus-who-doesn’t-look-where-he-is-going look. Yeah, not quite the guy you see on TV. You don’t have to be nice to me for the good luck charm to work, you just have to know me.
Congratulations to Elizabeth May, the Green Party’s first ever Member of Parliament. How did the Green Party manage this historic breakthrough? You guess it – by knowing me. Back when I was a CAA lobbyist and she was the head of the Sierra Club of Canada, we found ourselves working briefly together to have MMT removed from gasoline in Canada (That’s methylcyclopentadienyl manganese tricarbonyl for all you tongue twister fans). She was not very familiar with the chemical, and I was able to explain her a few things.
If Elizabeth May appears energetic, rough-cut, friendly and authentic on TV, that’s because she is exactly as she appears in real life. (Imagine that – a politician who actually is whom she appears to be!)
My condolences to Iggy. Michael Ignatieff led his Liberal Party (formerly referred to as Canada’s “natural governing party” by many) to a historic and stunning defeat, just 35 seats – its worst showing ever. Why? Because Iggy didn’t take the time to know me.
And my condolences to Gilles Duceppe, who’s separatist Bloc Quebecois cleaned up in Quebec for six straight election, but last night was reduced to a four-seat rump. And all because he did not know me. Well, at least nobody will miss them.
As you see, this experiment was carried out with a fairly large sample size, and the results are conclusive: I am a good luck charm. To know me might not be to love me, but to know me is to be a winner.