by David Leonhardt
As a personal growth specialist, I like to think I'm hip. I like to think I am avant garde. I like to think I am on the cutting edge – despite what everyone else around thinks about me.
I read last year that the growth sector of the future is in healthcare and wellness. So, being the hip, avant garde, cutting edge kind of guy I think I am, I decided I would give very unique and personal healthcare birthday gifts.
For Aunt Marsha, I settled on a facelift. I was so excited, I just couldn't wait to see her face. Either the old one or the new one would do.
"What's this?"
"It's an appointment for a facelift."
"A facelift?
"Yes. Next week."
"An appointment for a facelift? Next week?"
"That's right."
"This can mean one of only two things..."
"What two things, Aunt Marsha?"
"Either you think I am uglier than a bearded manatee with blow torch burns..."
"Oh no, Aunt Marsha. You are as beautiful as a graceful flamingo with blow torch burns."
"...or you foresee me seeking shelter under the witness protection program. What is it you think I saw, and who do you think wants to do me in?"
"Well, when I was ten years old, you saw me scribble all over my brother's baseball cards. I got in a whack of trouble, so I suppose I could be a suspect."
"I somehow doubt I have anything to fear from you, except the threat of receiving another gift. Just what do you think you were thinking?"
"I know you don't need a facelift yet, Aunt Marsha. But someday when you get all old and withered and crumbly and crinkly, a few months from now...BANG!"
When I came to, I remembered a frying pan lunging at me to plant a kiss on my lips.
I looked for a better gift idea
For my buddy, I settled on a different gift idea, although still quite unique and personal.
"What?!?"
"Hey, these tickets are very hard to come by. You should be thrilled that I secured an appointment for you."
"But I don't need open heart surgery. My heart is ticking along just fine."
"Sure it is – right now. But someday you might need open heart surgery, so you might as well take it now and get it over with. That way you'll have it when you need it."
"Open heart surgery isn't something you just take and save for later. You can't place it in a box or in a safe somewhere."
"Whoa, Buddy. Cool your tonsils a moment. I considered getting you a lobotomy, but I worried about wasting my money...you know, in case they didn't find anything. "
New gift ideas this year
Never let it be said that this personal growth specialist doesn't learn from his success. This year, I read that the entertainment industry is the growth sector of the future. So, being the hip, avant garde, cutting edge kind of guy I think I am, I decided I would give hip, avant garde, cutting edge entertainment gifts.
I thought about some of my personal favorites. Unfortunately I could not find in the Yellow Pages any singing Gumby balloon-a-grams. I considered getting Aunt Marsha 1,000 self-destructing, ketchup-filled pink flamingo lawn ornaments with pirate hats, but I was not sure how to place them in the apartment corridor. Toenail clippers always bring me hours of entertainment, but I had no idea which of my family members have toe nails.
In the end, I settled on this column. Hey, it's humor, it's personal growth, it's entertainment. And you have to admit that it is unique. I printed a copy out for each of them. And guess what? I think it was a success. Each one opened up their gift, looked at it, looked up at me, looked back at the gift, looked back up at me and said, "Very funny!"
If you don't want to end up like me, why not get your relatives something from the brickabrack store. They do NOT sell facelifts. After all, people love unique gift ideas, but not quite that unique.
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